I am LaTerrica, a YOUNG MOM, and this is my story.
LaTerrica, 22, lives in Rockingham County, NC with her three children.
As told to Jasmine Getrouw-Moore, Young Families Connect Media Outreach Coordinator
I have lived in Rockingham County, NC for three years, since about late 2014. Before living in Rockingham County, I lived in Alabama where my mother’s family lives. I spent much of my teenage years in the foster care system because of some family issues that were going on. While in foster care, I learned that using available programs and services offered by the state and local government provided resources to improve life situations. For example, while in the foster care system, I was able to attend workshops and conferences, which taught me how to become independent, how to apply for programs and which social programs would best help me to meet my goals. One goal I had since living in Alabama was to become a Certified Nurse Assistant (CNA). I started taking CNA classes after I emancipated from foster care, however, I soon stopped taking class when a number of different life events happened. After becoming emancipated, I lived with my mother while taking classes at my local community college and working. However, my mom’s roof collapsed at her home and the living conditions made it difficult for me to live at her home while maintaining my school and work schedule. I was also relying on a friend (who was like a sister to me) for transportation. I found myself couch-surfing at friends’ houses but never telling them I didn’t have a place to stay. My transportation was not always reliable because my friend and I had such different schedules. I was unable to get to work nor maintain my school schedule. I started thinking about making a change.
From Alabama to North Carolina
Between my living conditions, unreliable transportation and the death of a very close friend, my goals were put on the back-burner. I was forced to pause all I had worked to achieve. I knew this was a time for a change. The big change came in July 2014, when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. During one of my conversations with my father, who is from Rockingham County, I shared all of what was going on in my life. He suggested that I should relocate to Rockingham County and I did after I gave birth. I moved in with my dad and my new baby. This was a totally different environment for me, a new community. In fact, I only really talked to my dad and some people around my neighborhood including my boyfriend. I started feeling complacent, but relied on the skills I learned while in foster care- to check out community resources.
When I moved to Rockingham County, I applied for Medicaid and the Work First program, which helps to put applicants in a job training program and apply for jobs. I decided to go back to the Certified Nursing Assistant program and finished this program successfully. I actually got my first job (after finishing this program) in February 2016! This was so exciting to me. My son was about 18 months old when I was directed to the Rockingham Partnership for Children where I applied for childcare. This is where I met Dawn (former coordinator of YFC Rockingham County) who talked to me about the benefits of the Young Families Connect program. My main reason for wanting to enroll in the program was the need to build my community here in Rockingham County.
Young Families Connected
When I moved to Rockingham County, I applied for Medicaid and the Work First program, which helps to put applicants in a job training program and apply for jobs. I decided to go back to the Certified Nursing Assistant program and finished this program successfully. I actually got my first job (after finishing this program) in February 2016! This was so exciting to me. My son was about 18 months old when I was directed to the Rockingham Partnership for Children where I applied for childcare. This is where I met Dawn (former coordinator of YFC Rockingham County) who talked to me about the benefits of the Young Families Connect program. My main reason for wanting to enroll in the program was because I needed to build my community here in Rockingham County. I later discovered I was pregnant with twins. YFC was very helpful for me during this time.
Since starting Young Families Connect, I have had my twins who are six months old (at time of interview). I have moved into my own apartment with my three children and boyfriend and I am working as a Certified Nurse Assistant. I have been able to grow my community from just my father, boyfriend and children to a wider group of people like other young families I have connected with in Rockingham County. In Young Families Connect, I have learned new skills like positive, effective approached for parenting toddlers; cooking healthy meals for my family; ways to be physically active with my family and also different things to do around Rockingham County and in Greensboro. Young Families Connect has helped me to become a part of this community.
I am Brittany, a YOUNG MOM, and this is my story.
Brittany, 26, lives in Wayne County, NC with her two children.
As told to Jasmine Getrouw-Moore, Young Families Connect Media Outreach Coordinator (June 2017).
*Name Changed for confidentiality
Meet Brittany, a young mom from Wayne County, NC. Brittany shares her journey as a preacher’s kid, deciding to get distance herself from unhealthy relationships, and Young Families Connect.
I am a preacher’s kid. I grew up participating in church activities, and serving as a leader at my church. My community was church. I wasn’t quite exposed to what was going on outside of my church. My father wanted to make sure that I was sheltered from bad influences. I was so shielded that by the time I turned eighteen years old, I started to explore my independence and truly started to rebel from my parents. This was period in my life that lasted a few years. During this time where I first started to rebel, I stopped going to school regularly during my senior year of high school. I got some tattoos, started to hang out and party with other people so much that by the time the second quarter of my senior year was coming to an end, I realized that I was in danger of not graduating. I was scared! This was a wake-up call that I had to get myself together, and I did! Instead of finishing school in Wayne County, where I would have had to make up classes, pretty much stay back, and repeat the 12th grade, I called my aunt in Washington, D.C. where I finished the 12th grade (during the same school year) with honors.
Discovering Myself, New Relationships
I returned to North Carolina before moving to Georgia for college. I was unhappy there and decided to return back to North Carolina. During this time, I continued to hang out with my friends, party and have fun. I wasn’t living with my parents at this time because they wouldn’t have allowed me to live my life the way I wanted to live- hanging out with friends, partying and having a fun. I lived with my friend. I was trying to move on from one roller coaster ride of an unhealthy relationship, and I reconnected with someone I knew, Tim*. Tim and I started to seriously date in summer 2011. And I would soon find out that this relationship was yet another roller coaster ride. This was an unhealthy, toxic relationship.
When I look back, I realize that Tim gave me some comfort during a time when I was getting over another relationship. At that time, I was still participating on the party scene, not taking care of my body by consuming alcohol and prescription medicine which made my birth control ineffective. As a result, I became pregnant with our first child, my daughter, in November 2011. When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. I was unmarried and concerned about what my family would think. I was concerned about how the church community would respond and how my friends would respond. I was also afraid to talk to my dad about things that were going with me like my feelings about being a single mother and the current state of my relationship. I moved in with Tim at his mother’s house. When I moved in, he moved out. We had a toxic relationship: he cheated, even had another child with another person. We argued and even fought but I didn’t want to break up the family structure.
Moving On and Ahead
I became pregnant again with my second child which is when I discovered Young Families Connect, after meeting Mrs. Donna. After I had my second child, I realized that my relationship with Tim wasn’t healthy. I was holding on to Tim out of fear of losing my family structure but not realizing that the family structure wasn’t solid if it was toxic. Through the support and guidance of the Young Families Connect team in Wayne County, I have been able to leave Tim and focus on my needs. Mrs. Donna helped me to focus on a career path. With the support of the Young Families Connect community and especially Mrs. Donna, I have been able to live a healthier happier life. I have focused on my goals, became a Certified Nurse Assistant and used the skills from this program to co-parent my children with Tim. I know I do not have to be in a relationship with him to be give my children the support they need. Moving on and ahead, I am focused on having a healthy, happy family starting with a healthy me.
I am Brenisha, a YOUNG MOM, and this is my story.
Brenisha, 23, lives in Rockingham County, NC with her husband, daughter (6 years old) and son (10 month old).
As told to Jasmine Getrouw-Moore, Young Families Connect Media Outreach Coordinator (June 2017).
New County, New Community
I relocated to Rockingham County about 2 years ago. One day, last year, I was at an appointment at the Social Services Department where I saw information about the Young Families Connect program, a program for young people who are pregnant and or parenting. At the time, I was in my first trimester with my son. I thought it would be smart for me to contact the program for more social support with my family since I was new to the area. I made my first contact by going onto the website and emailing Dawn (former coordinator). She emailed me back, scheduled an enrollment appointment at the Young Families Connect (Rockingham County) office and I have been a part of the program ever since May 2016! When I first came into YFC, I wanted to focus on how I could manage becoming a mom of two. I wanted to reduce the feelings of panic I had when I thought about having another baby. My daughter was my whole world – I had to get used to extending that feeling to another child. I also focused on healthier nutrition for myself and my family and drinking more water. These goals became very helpful for me during my pregnancy. The support from the program has been wonderful!
Managing Gestational Diabetes
After I had been in the program for two months, at 32 weeks pregnant, my doctor diagnosed me with gestational diabetes. I did not have that condition when I was pregnant with my daughter. Gestational diabetes happens when a pregnant person’s body is producing too much insulin which can be unhealthy for the body. This condition goes away when the baby is born. When a person has gestational diabetes, they have a strict diet, helpful for managing insulin. The diet consists of low carbohydrates and healthy vegetables. I felt like I was always hungry, but I didn’t want to have a sick baby. My doctor sent me to a diabetes education class where I learned about how to manage my diabetes by counting my carbs and eating a healthy diet. There, I learned what I should do to support my gestational diabetes, but YFC supported me by showing me how to make healthy meals for myself and my family. I came to learn how supportive my new YFC family was during this time when I shared this news with Dawn, Daphne and the other young families who participated in the program with me. When I was scared or stressed out, I was able to lean into this group. If I had a concern about something related to my fears with gestational diabetes or anything, they would help me or find the answer if they weren’t sure of the answer. During my pregnancy, I often walked with other YFC moms, and we cooked nutritious meals during in our healthy cooking classes. I started new goals for myself, like drinking more water and recognizing what types of food I was putting in my body and how it affected myself and growing son.
Leaning into a Support Group
Even though I felt better about managing my gestational diabetes with helpful tips from the diabetes education class and group classes with Young Families Connect, I was still scared, sad about this diagnosis. I went to the doctor every week during my pregnancy because of my diagnosis where I had to take a non-stress test. It seemed like I always got new, disappointing information. I always felt tired, sticky from sweating and afraid that I may die because of the symptoms I was experiencing. I was also disappointed because I learned from my prenatal visits that I was unable to have the labor and delivery experience I planned. With these never-ending fears, I was able to lean into the community of support with Young Families Connect. Another YFC mom shared that she experienced gestational diabetes. Her advice really helped me know what to expect from this experience which helped ease my fears. Other peers helped me with my disappointment from my birth plan change. They gave me helpful advice, encouragement, helped me to look on the bright side, focusing on the health of my baby. My YFC community also helped siblings like my daughter, an only child at the time, learn how to become a big sibling to newborn babies. YFC encouraged my husband to attend classes but due to some schedule conflicts, he was unable to attend; through this, my new community of support was there for me. They continue to encourage the whole family to attend meetings and events.
Focusing on a Healthy Family, Healthy Baby
Through my pregnancy, I tried to make sure my daughter was okay- that she was comfortable, not letting my worries upset her. I tried my best to meet her needs while coping with changes I was going through from pregnancy and even after I gave birth. I knew that my birth plan wasn’t going to go as planned. I was induced at 39 weeks. I made plans for family to be in town who would care for my new baby while I was healing from labor and delivery. My son had other plans; he was born two weeks later! He was very large which is normal for babies born to gestational diabetes persons. This experience was disappointing because I didn’t have anyone there to help as I planned and the birth itself was very painful. I tore badly and needed a lot of stitches. I was unable to walk. My doctor put me on bed rest for a few weeks and when I was able, I went to a YFC event. While at the event, I shared with my YFC case manager what I was feeling, that I wasn’t feeling like myself. My case manager talked to me about postpartum depression symptoms and recommended I see my doctor for a follow-up. My son’s pediatrician also asked me about these symptoms. This is a routine part of the postpartum visit because some new parents don’t go back for their visit and end up not getting a proper diagnosis. I was officially diagnosed at this time but didn’t have to take medicine for this. I recognized my symptoms. I was sad out of the blue, crying. MY YFC case manager and my doctor helped to manage my postpartum depression by leaning into my YFC peers and case manager. I shared what I felt with them. I also stayed active in YFC sessions like cooking classes and parenting sessions. With these activities and group support from Young Families Connect, I have been able to focus on all of the positives in my new life with my family. Young Families Connect has taught me that I have to take care of myself before I take care of anyone else. This is what my focus is now- a healthy family starting with a healthy me.
I am Arturo, A YOUNG DAD, and this is my story.
Arturo Jones is 23 years old, he lives in Robeson County, NC with his partner Layla and their son Kayson, 4 years old.
As told to Jasmine Getrouw-Moore, Young Families Connect Media Outreach Coordinator (January 2017).
Before Young Families Connect
My son Kayson was born on January 23, 2013 while Layla and I were still in high school. At the time, I felt pretty immature with no real plans for the future but I did have some good guidance and support from my parents. My parents even opened up their home for Layla to move in with us until Kayson was born then got us an apartment for our new little family when Kayson was just a few months old. After high school, Layla started a phlebotomy program and I immediately started working to support my family. I landed a job as a Corrections Officer at the North Carolina Department of Public Safety. I hated that job but enjoyed great benefits, decent income and increased my motivation to return to school. The job was much more mentally challenging than physically challenging and emotionally draining. It’s like being incarcerated: I was there 13 hours a day, in confinement with inmates and it really got quite depressing. I had to be a different version of myself, more firm and very demanding compared to who I am with Kayson. With Kayson, I’m daddy. I actually resigned from the job and decided to enroll as a full time student at Robeson Community College, in the Manufacturing program. I knew I wanted a different life for myself and my family.
Full Time Student
My day to day life as a full-time student has been very busy! Not only am I a full-time student but I am also a part time employee at a local company called XPO Logistics. When I wake up, I am responsible for getting Kayson prepared for school and dropping him off to daycare because Layla works about an hour away during third shift. After I take Kayson to daycare, I then prepare for my school and work day. Depending on her schedule, Layla will take Kayson to work and if there are times where my school and work schedule plus Layla’s work schedule conflict, then my parents, who are very supportive, will step in and help out with Kayson. Studying has been very difficult but I try to study at night after work while Kayson is sleeping or during weekends. Now, I’m a very active student as Public Relations Officer of the manufacturing club. I use my resources- take thirty minute breaks between classes (when available) to do homework, study and also do this same routine on weekends. I also participate in study groups with classmates to do the best I possibly can in school.
Getting to know Young Families Connect
During one of my classes, a classmate and I were talking about our children. She and I especially talked about the high cost of daycare expenses. This is when she shared with me that she was involved with the Young Families Connect program here in Robeson County. She further explained that the program provides all types of benefits like paying for childcare and school. I was concerned about whether or not the program would support fathers but my classmate said that the program does. When I heard this, I asked my classmate if she would provide me with a contact number to the program. When she gave me the number, I decided I would call and find out how I might get involved but first I talked with Layla; she supported the decision to participate in Young Families Connect. I immediately got in contact with Mrs. Virginia who told me to come right on in and told me which documents she would need from me to get enrolled. Talking to Mrs. Virginia really left me with a sense of comfort; she made me feel very welcomed and she’s been great to me and my family.
Young Families Connect: Support, Mentoring and Healthy Behaviors
I’ve been a Young Families Connect participant for two years now. I have really appreciated the way in which YFC offers support to young parents and their families. While Layla has been very supportive, I have been attending the weekly sessions where we learn about different topics like parenting; health and wellness; and self-sufficiency. I even see how I have personally improved myself in these areas of discussion since I’ve been active in this program.
For example, with parenting, I have learned tips on how to become a better parent, how to handle the Terrible Twos. Before, I would try to get Kayson to listen without punishing him but now I have better coping skills for his tantrums and use the skills learned in class to know what to do when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I step to the side and breathe, make sure to not have outbursts with Kayson. These skills have been helpful for mine and Kayson’s relationship and also for my overall health as a parent.
I learned so many things I didn’t know about before during the health and wellness sessions. For example, I didn’t know that second hand smoke was so bad. I’ve been around people who smoke a lot and now I know the dangers of smoking on a family. I have been getting more healthy by going to the gym three times a week. I’ve even lost 20 pounds since joining YFC. When I first enrolled in the program, I didn’t have any health insurance because I left my job where I was covered and I wasn’t eligible for my parents’ insurance. This was a major priority during my enrollment with Mrs. Virginia.
This program not only helped me with becoming a better parent and healthier person but it also relieved some financial stress for my family and me. Self-sufficiency is a major area in this program- helping participants to get jobs with job readiness programs and paying for tuition. During my first year in this program while also in the first year of attending school full time, I had to pay for my books and tuition out of pocket. I asked Mrs. Virginia if there is anything she can do and she provided me with financial assistance on books and tuition all throughout the semester! She also provided me with gas vouchers to relieve the financial stress of paying for gas to attend weekly YFC meetings. Furthermore, Mrs. Virginia helped our family with childcare expenses.
Two years ago, my focus was on continuing school, work and hopefully completing goals like obtaining health insurance, finish my Associate’s Degree in Applied Science and eventually gain full time employment. A good, stable job. Now, my focus is turning my job into a good career that I can be happy with. Graduate- continue to work, continue school, hope to complete goals (health insurance, finish Associate’s Degree in Applied Science**, and full time employment); initially wanted to have a good, stable job. Now my focus is on having a good career that you can be happy with and live my life. Now, I am planning to graduate with my Associates Degree in Applied Science- Electronics in May 2017. I am currently a full time employee at XPO Logistics where I do Customer Service and Dispatch. There, I am able to use my degree. I do plan to further my education with a Bachelor of Science in Physics at the University of North Carolina at Pembroke (UNCP). For now, I am happy with my positon, my co-workers and my life! My ultimate goal is to use my education to make sure their electrical panel on XPO trains are running properly. I have met my goals!
I would like to say to young dads who are in Young Families Connect- stick with the program, embrace all of the resources YFC has to offer. They’re just awesome. A lot of young men feel like a minority because there are so many women. Men also feel like seeking help is not masculine. I think we need to stop being so independent, everybody needs help.
For me, Mrs. Virginia has been the best mentor. She’s my go-to person, someone I can talk to. If it wasn’t for her or YFC, I wouldn’t’ be where I am today. I couldn’t afford to pay my tuition. I wouldn’t have been able to finish the program. Thank you to Mrs. Virginia and the team.
Amanda, a YOUNG MOM, this is my story.
Amanda, 18 lives in Wayne County, North Carolina with her husband Jack* and their son Zachary (21 months)
*Name changed for confidentiality
Amanda is a two year veteran of the Young Families Connect program. Amanda, her husband Jack* and their son Zachary have learned essential skills in the program, from early infant and childhood development to the ABCs of safe sleep: Always alone, on his Back to sleep, in a Crib or sleep space of his own. During the next few weeks, Amanda will share her story about being a young, expectant mom with her (then) fiancé Jack (now husband). Amanda talks about the sadness of having lost one child and the fear of the tragedy re-occurring. Amanda also shares how her support team (her family and Young Families Connect program) helped her to get through this period of anxiety. Enjoy your reading!
Starting a New Family
My boyfriend at the time, Jack*, and I started living together ever since I was fifteen. We actually had a pregnancy before our son Zachary which ended in a miscarriage. That was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with, but nine months later I found out I was pregnant was Zach. We were scared, happy… so many emotions combined in one. We planned Zachary. I was in high school, Jack* was working. I had some health issues (polycystic ovaries and endometriosis) so I had been told that if I wanted to have a healthy pregnancy, I would have to have a baby at a younger age. Since we were planning to get married we decided to plan our son. My mom even knew I was pregnant before I did! She said “you’re pregnant, I know you are!”
I decided to take a pregnancy test because I noticed a stretch mark on my side! Something told me to get tested – I knew my body well so I knew what was up! I went from being excited about being a parent to being scared after thinking about our first loss. It had been nine months since this loss. When the pregnancy test confirmed that I was pregnant, I went to school the next day and spoke to my guidance counselor about the news. My guidance counselor and I developed a fast pace curriculum which helped me to graduate that year (a year early). I took classes online and at school during the school year.
Young Families Connect
I learned about Young Families Connect (YFC) from Ms. Diana and another staff person. Both were doing an informational presentation about the YFC program at my high school during the time I was pregnant. I liked how YFC emphasized education and how they would support participants’ education. I was already pregnant so I called Ms. Diana and have been going ever since! Ms. Diana is AWESOME! My pregnancy was pretty easy – no bouts of depression or mood swings. My family was so supportive that I didn’t feel like I had any real complications – except during my third trimester. I couldn’t control what was going on within my body. My blood pressure was through the roof which meant I had to leave school and stay home on bedrest. I was induced at 37 weeks.
During my pregnancy, I had a wonderful support system, my mom, grandmom, my husband and the Young Families Connect group. Everyone was extremely supportive. I knew that if I ever needed anything there would always be someone there to help me. If I ever needed anybody to talk to, if I ever felt stressed out, I could just vent with my family and Young Families Connect program. My case manager, Ms. Diana, helped me get into a Certified Nursing Assistant program and think about how I wanted to live my life by setting important life goals.
When I was pregnant with Zach, I had three medical appointments because of the doctor’s concern with my blood pressure. I was induced at 37 weeks but was only 5 centimeters dilated after 26 hours. That’s when they told me I was going to have a C-section. It was almost 18 hours before I was able to see Zachary. When I finally saw him, I was filled with pure excitement and love. I was happy to know that I was finally able to make it happen – to have my baby! My husband was so supportive the whole way.
When we were preparing to bring Zachary home, we had a few scares. One issue was that we were having a hard time getting him to eat. The doctors kept an eye on the matter but couldn’t tell us what the source of the problem was. Knowing something was wrong with my baby without knowing the cause or condition was very stressful. We continued to think about the loss of our first baby and how we needed to keep Zachary healthy. Jack and I were both extremely concerned about our baby – but no one ever confirmed what the health condition was.
As this situation was going on, I couldn’t help but also think about all of the things I had heard in my Young Families Connect group such as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, infant development and safety. Instead of sleeping, I would just watch Zachary sleep. We were able to take him home eventually where our family members were supporting us emotionally. The Young Families Connect team supported us by visiting us in the hospital, reminding us that they are always here for us. Ms. Donna was calling everyday to make sure we were doing okay, had transportation, checking on our basic and more complex needs. This really gave us a sense of relief.
Young Families Connect and Beyond
Since enrolling in Young Families Connect, I enrolled in the Certified Nursing Assistant I (CAN-I) program and have since completed that program. I then enrolled in the Certified Nursing Assistance II. I completed the Certified Nursing Assistant series when Zachary was 4 months old. Now I am working full time as a CNA-II. I really value my support system – my family, Young Families Connect and the group support from the program. I also appreciate being able to tell my story today, whereas before I was shy and less able to talk in groups.
The skills I’ve learned from the program have even been used in my work setting. I am more outgoing and able to talk to patients at the hospital I work in. I feel comfortable being able to support another young mom by giving her valuable advice and guidance. To date, I have sent many of my friends to the program where they have had a place to talk, to share their fears and dreams. Additionally, I have become a much more confident mother. I appreciate how smart and advanced Zachary is, how well he is developing and my relationship with him. I credit Young Families Connect for this growth. Even though I am graduating from the program, I am still focusing on my goals, one of the most important self-development parts of the program. In a year from now, I see myself in nursing school. Luckily, I have a good job that will pay for my education. I am proud to be in Young Families Connect and proud to have worked with Ms. Donna and Ms. Diana.
I am Sabrina, A YOUNG MOM, and this is my story.
Sabrina lives in Rockingham County with her partner, Joshua, and four children: Kaley (8), Hunter (6), Cayden (5), and Kolbie (2 months).
As told to Jasmine Getrouw-Moore, Young Families Connect Media Outreach Coordinator (November 2016).
*Names changed for confidentiality
Coming to Know Young Families Connect
I first found out about Young Families Connect (YFC) while I was in the Incredible Years parenting classes at Rockingham Partnership for Children. When the series was over, the YFC staff called and asked if I was interested in joining and I said,” yeah okay!” I’ve been a participant ever since, two years now. To be honest, I was initially in the parenting class because of a dispute between my ex(Kaley’s father) and me. Bob* and I, plus my boyfriend, Joshua, and my ex’s current wife were all supposed to take these classes but only Joshua and I completed the series.
Joshua is co-parenting all four of my children with me. However, my daughter Kaley lives with me half-time and with her dad and stepmother half-time.
Prior to taking the parenting classes, Kaley’s dad Bob*, stepmom (Sarah*) and I had a very hectic relationship. In fact, Sarah* even created a story that Kaley wasn’t my child and that she was Kaley’s birth mother. I think she created all kinds of drama to try to get me out of the picture. The Department of Social Services got involved, which is how I ended up having to take parenting classes to begin with. Sarah* also would block my communication with Bob* which really complicated how he and I co-parented Kaley. That was a very troubling time and we are still dealing with some of the stress from that period as we continue to co-parent in a blended family. But overall things are getting better!
Co-Parenting with a Blended Family
Because of the drama, we put Kaley in counseling when she was about six years old. It confirmed that Kaley was being manipulated by Sarah, Kaley’s stepmom. However the counselor informed us that there was nothing she could do about this. For example, Kaley calls me “Sabrina” instead of “Mom” and when I’ve asked her why she started doing this, she has said that if she doesn’t call me “Sabrina” then she would get a whooping. I understand that Kaley doesn’t have any control here, and so I have told her to do what she needs to do. But this is very hurtful to me. In fact, it has increased my anxiety.
This situation has not been easy at all! I have been resourceful in getting help including taking anxiety mediation. Luckily, the Incredible Years Parenting classes and Kaley’s counseling all took place at the same time (a little over two years ago) and both have been helpful tools for coping with this situation.
There are differences in my household and Kaley’s dad’s household. Here is what I do:
- I try to reinforce Kaley’s positive behaviors by having a positive relationship with her.
- I don’t ground her and punish her.
- I try to set aside special mom and daughter time.
- I remind Kaley that I am her mom and I gave birth to her. I show her pictures of us from her infancy.
My boyfriend Josh and I have been taking it day by day, really. Some things really stuck with me from the parenting classes like:
- My situation isn’t necessarily the worse situation.
- Pick your battles – do not snap or get mad at every little thing.
- Regardless of how bad it may seem, I can change my situation by applying the tools I’ve gotten from these programs.
After taking the parenting classes, my relationship with Bob* has improved and Sarah* is no longer intercepting our communication. However, Kaley is still suffering from all of the drama that took place previously. Kaley knows I am her mother and which roles all of the adults in her life play, but I feel her nerves are shot. She is doing what she must to live in her father’s house.
As a result of all of this, it’s been a bit difficult to parent my sons they way I’d like. Kaley not living here full time makes our family structure a little complicated, but we make sure we are getting all of our kids out and about, participating in karate (Hunter and Cayden) and having family time. Hunter (who is 6 years old) has a speech delay, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). Daphne, my Young Families Connect Case Manager has been exceptional with connecting us to resources for Hunter to get him all the help he needs.
When I joined Young Families Connect (YFC), I felt empowered by Daphne, my case manager. I liked how the YFC program had different kinds of get-togethers which allowed my kids to play with kids from other families. I have also been able to connect with other participants in the program. Sometimes we connect outside of our YFC facilitated group time and we have expanded our social circle as a result!
When I joined YFC, I wasn’t pregnant with Kolbie yet. In fact, my initial goals then were to become a better parent, lose weight, control my temper, and obtain a college degree. My plans derailed slightly because instead of losing weight, I gained a pregnancy. I had to rethink that plan! Instead, I focused on having a healthier lifestyle and healthy pregnancy. During my pregnancy, YFC staff provided me with a new crib, reassured me that they would be there for me as much as they could. I learned how to control my temper while I was pregnant. Some of the drama with Bob* and Sarah* were continuing during my pregnancy with Kolbie. I really feel like they were purposefully trying to sabotage my pregnancy with all of this drama. For example, Bob* and Sarah* were telling Kaley that Kolbie wasn’t Josh’s baby. I mean, really, they told my daughter this. I knew I couldn’t allow them the control over my pregnancy by entertaining this drama. I was able to transfer my energy from Bob* and Sarah* to my support with Young Families Connect.
Making Plans and Taking Action
Young Families Connect (YFC) has been so helpful to me in meeting my goals: controlling my temper, parenting, and obtaining a college degree. Daphne has helped me by showing me different strategies for calming myself down before I react. I especially make an effort to take time to breathe and to share what’s on my mind with a loved one who is not immediately involved in the matter I am reacting to. This loved one is usually my grandmother. I also try my best to bite my lip! Everything does not need a response! This goes hand-in-hand with what I learned about calming techniques in the parenting class, the Incredible Years, which was very helpful for improving my parenting skills.
I have reduced the amount of sugary foods and drinks my family and I have in our home. I have increased my cooking at home using some of the ideas that Daphne and YFC shared with us. The kids listened to Daphne’s suggestions for healthy eating which helped my healthy lifestyle goal. By the time I went into labor with Kolbie I thought it was going to be very easy, but it was actually pretty difficult. One of the things I most clearly remember, is my C-Section. I felt knots and pulling and tearing and then he was born. This is Baby Number Four so this isn’t new to me! The kids were excited about Kolbie, but Hunter took a while to catch on. With the addition of Kolbie in our lives, we have increased the level of structure with more detailed scheduling. Doing things like adhering to our dinner schedule and helping the kids become more independent makes my job a lot easier.
One of my goals was to obtain a college degree. I only had six months left to finish my Bachelor’s degree in information technology (IT) but I ran out of funding. My next step towards this goal is to get a job which will pay for the rest of my schooling. Right now, I am a stay-at-home mom to cut down on childcare costs. I plan to finish in the next year and half. I would like to put a large deposit on my education so that I am not relying on student loans. I ultimately want to finish school, buy some land to build a house (in about three years) and give my kids their own space! I am happy to say that I have an interview tomorrow as a live chat agent. This way I can work and stay home with Kolbie. My plan is already in action – work responsibly, save appropriately and take the next right steps to reach my goals.
To young women who need a resource like Young Families Connect – a note from Sabrina:
As I think back to my life before Young Families Connect and think about other young women and men who are in similar situations, I want to finally state that if a young woman is in need, please look for and use every resource you possibly can, starting with Young Families Connect. Daphne has been awesome. She is absolutely amazing to me and my family. She has been caring, thoughtful, and comforting. I am so grateful for her. She is always there and if I need resources she is quick to respond. Daphne allows me to reflect on my thoughts and shares her perspective when asked, instead of telling me what to do all the time. She has been a pillar of support for me and I cannot say that enough.
I am Jasmine, a YOUNG MOM and this is my story.
Jasmine V. is 24 years old. She lives in Wayne County with her partner Cee* and their son Skylar (2 years old).
As told to Jasmine Getrouw-Moore, Young Families Connect Media Outreach Coordinator (November 2016).
*Name changed for confidentiality.
I’ve always been very independent from the time I was young and growing up in Kinston. I’ve been the one (along with my stepfather) taking care of my siblings and our household. I was doing everything from cooking, cleaning, to getting them ready for their baths. I have never felt like I received the mothering and nurturing support I needed from my own mother. When I was young, my mother was out and about, living her life and going to BINGO (her second home.) I really felt like I didn’t have a childhood of my own. I’ve blocked most of it out, but I remember my siblings and me going to stay with other people and not seeing my mom for long stretches of time.
I know that there are some issues I have about my childhood. I’ve tried to talk to my mother about these issues to which she says “it’s not my fault, it’s y’alls fault.” She makes me feel like I’m guilty for my childhood and that makes me feel like there’s no point in talking about it with her. I know I will probably have to get some counseling because I don’t want these issues to affect me in the future.
As you can imagine, I was unable to rely on my mother when Skylar was a newborn and I felt like I needed some time for myself. My support system then (three years ago) was my partner, Cee*, who has been there every step of the way – working to support our household while I stayed at home with Skylar. During Skylar’s first six months, I was really battling with the “Baby Blues.” I felt like I was in a corner alone, with this new baby. I was with him 24/7 with no break and no sense of support from my family (mother, father, step-father or siblings). Even though Cee was there for us, she was working all of the time, which basically left me feeling as if I were in this by myself.
During this time, some of the thoughts and feelings I had made me feel overwhelmed. I worried about having to be the primary responsible adult for a child. I was questioning “can I really take care of a child, my child, by myself?” I was processing all of the “what ifs?” What if Cee and I break up? Would I be able to raise Skylar alone? What if I couldn’t raise him alone? I knew that I would have to take care of this child all by myself. With all these thoughts circling in my head, I would then look at Skylar and think I have no choice but to do this.
What I knew for sure was that I wanted my child to be able to depend on me. Unlike my childhood, I didn’t want him to wake up one morning without the lights on, without food in the refrigerator, or without the heat on. Unlike my childhood, I want my child to know that he comes before ANYBODY. I wanted to be a better mom to him than my mom was to me.
A Welcomed Introduction to Young Families Connect
About two years ago, Cee, Skylar and I moved to Wayne County from Kinston, because Cee got a job based in Goldsboro. Skylar was a little over a month old at this time. During this time, I had a few things I wanted to accomplish – like going back to school and getting a job. However, the school I wanted to go to wouldn’t accept my credits from the school I previously attended. Plus, I just couldn’t land a job. I had a sense of worthlessness. I felt like I wasn’t contributing to our household.
I hated that I was so dependent on Cee and I hated that I had gotten to the point where I hoped for support from the Department of Social Services (DSS) to buy food for our household with an EBT card. Turns out DSS wasn’t able to provide any assistance. They told me they weren’t able to help unless I was working or going to school. This wasn’t who I am. I had always been an independent, self-supporting person. With all of these thoughts and feelings, I had a total sense of worthlessness. As a new overwhelmed parent, I really just felt completely cornered and overwhelmed. I just needed a way out.
One day, while attending a child care appointment at Wayne County Social Services, a security guard stopped me. He asked me if I knew about the Young Families Connect program. As it turns out, the security guard stopping me was exactly what I needed. So, the next day, I called Ms. Diana. During my first conversation with Ms. Diana, she asked me if I wanted to join the Young Families Connect program. I wanted to be a part of the program because Ms. Diana and I just clicked. I don’t just see her as a case manager or social worker but like a friend. She’s someone I look up to. Young Families Connect is great support especially when you don’t have family. You can’t just have one person in your support circle, you need a group of people.
Sister, Mama, Aunty, Friend- A New Support System
Ms. Diana told all of us in the program that we can call her at any time, no matter what. In my experience Ms. Diana has always there for me, no matter the time of day. A lot of people don’t have that type of person in their life but she is that person for me. She’s a sister, mama, aunty and friend. I look up to her. I feel comfortable contacting her whenever I need to talk. She’s like that mama figure that I don’t really have. I can talk to her about anything on my mind. I have shared with her some of the things I have not been able to previously share with anyone else. I mean, if it wasn’t for Ms. Diana, I think I would have been really depressed. She’s been there for me, to listen to what’s been going on in my life.
Ms. Diana keeps it totally real with me. She’s like “if you have done it, it’s okay, I’ve probably done it too and more than once!” She makes me feel like it’s okay if I’ve had a hiccup in life, or am going through some difficulties, because she helps me see there’s always a way to move beyond that pitfall. Because of Ms. Diana I no longer have doubts about my ability to parent Skylar or my worth. I no longer allow my fears and frustrations from my childhood to consume me, even though I still want to resolve these issues.
I am most grateful for Ms. Diana and the other participants in the program. Being in Young Families Connect (YFC) allows me to have a place for Skylar and me to come and connect with other young families like ours. I was able to participate in the parenting class, and learn new cooking skills and ways to be keep my household safe and healthy. Since being in YFC, I have been able to get job training, land an interview and get a new job, thank the Lord! When I think of my life before YFC and since YFC I see a great change in my support system. I have gotten everything out of YFC that any participant can gain – friendship, support, a loving and nurturing community, and new skills to better parent my son and be the best Jasmine I can be. Even though my time as a participant is almost up (I’m graduating soon) I will still come back to participate on the YFC Community Advisory Council and mentor other young moms as much as I can. I can use my experience as an inspiration to them.
As told to Jasmine Getrouw-Moore, Young Families Connect Media Outreach Coordinator (September 2016).
*Name changed for confidentiality
When I joined Young Families Connect (YFC) last year, I already had my daughter, Faith, who was two and my son Liam who was a newborn. With both of my pregnancies, I experienced postpartum depression which made thing hard. I was still in my baby blues stage while dealing with a two year old who was going through the “Terrible Twos” stage. The way I was dealing with Faith then was by yelling at her in an effort to get her full attention. I felt pretty badly about this because I was yelling a lot. I also noticed her behavior was becoming more frustrating to me and my yelling was causing her to be a little scared.
After Liam was born, I ignored how I was feeling – keeping my depression and fears inside. But, by comparison, the post-partum depression I experienced with Liam was a bit different mainly because I had on-hand support from my family. My mother’s involvement during that time was very helpful. She also encouraged me to find and use local community resources and to participate in local parenting classes because she thought I was such a young mother.
During that time my sister-in-law, Jackie,* was already enrolled in Young Families Connect (YFC) and taking classes. I decided to take action and take my mother up on her suggestion. One day, when Jackie was talking about going to the Incredible Years parenting class, I asked her if I could come. She welcomed me to attend. I attended and enjoyed it! I found the class especially interesting since I was a young mom raising two young children.
It has been about a year since that first visit. After going to the class with Jackie, I decided to attend a “Parenting Over Pizza” session with the YFC group and immediately connected with a Case Manager who arranged a home visit with me. Looking back, a turning point in my life was visiting the Incredible Years class. But it was really the staff – Dawn, Daphne and others that were so amazing! They have been here for me emotionally, and the classes have been an excellent support for me as a young mother. When I joined YFC, I decided to focus on the things that would support my personal development because I wanted to model the lifestyle I wanted for my children. The areas I decided to work on were positive parenting, healthy weight and school.
After joining the Young Families Connect (YFC) program and attending a few meetings, I felt like the YFC Program could really help me do some amazing things. I appreciate how YFC has classes for participants that help motivate and encourage participants to reach personal goals.
With the help of my Case Manager I was able to identify three goals to focus on. I also created some action steps to help me meet those goals:
- Parenting positively
- Healthy weight/lifestyle
- Pursuing school to be a certified interpreter or nurse
Parenting positively: My primary goal in YFC was to polish my parenting skills, to be a good mom and to have more patience in dealing with my kids. I like that each class that YFC facilitates is totally family-centered, meaning they focus each session on positive parenting.
Healthy Weight/Lifestyle: Another goal for me was to have a healthy weight/healthy lifestyle. I wanted to be able to lose some weight. Through YFC I was able to learn new ways to prepare my meals and to modify ingredients to make them healthier. As a group, my peers and I went on walks with our YFC team and measured our distance using a pedometer. I also learned the correct portion sizes of food – what I need versus what I want.
School: I have wanted to go back to school but at this point Liam is only one year old. Juan* and I decided that we would not put him in daycare now. I will wait to pursue my academic goals when Liam is a little older.
Taking it Day-by-Day
I recognize that creating goals for myself is a way for me to create a blueprint for my life. I have not totally accomplished all of my goals yet but I have been taking things day-by-day. I appreciate the growth I’ve made and recognize the challenges. Having the connection t YFC program staff and my peers in the program and the classes I’ve participated in, has really helped me to work through challenges such as my postpartum depression and my goal to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Parenting positively: Looking back on the last year, I have made a huge change. With the help of my YFC Case Managers and my participation in the Parents As Teachers program (in partnership with YFC at Rockingham Partnership for Children), I have had the benefit of having an in-home case manager who has worked with me on my positive parenting goal. It’s not been easy. Faith is now a three year old who is very active and requires attention like any three year old. Liam is developing into an active toddler.
While I proudly live the values of the parenting programs I’ve been in, I am constantly working on myself. Now, I find myself speaking to Faith and not yelling at her (the old way). My patience has increased and I listen to and more aware of Faith’s and Liam’s needs. I try to show that I am here for them and support them. I now have the tools to be able to communicate better with Liam as he grows. Every day I use the tools I’ve gained with my children and have a clearer understanding of how to calm myself down. I know that my reaction to Faith is a model for how she is going to act. I also understand the power of play – that doing something as simple as taking 10 minutes to play makes a huge difference in my children’s overall behavior.
Healthy weight/lifestyle: In the beginning I was losing weight because I was using the skills I learned to take better care of myself. I have not been doing this as much lately but I am still proud to say that I have gained an awareness of how to take good care of myself. For example, by doing daily activities such as cooking, cleaning and walking around the house I am using physical energy.
Some of the supportive ways in which YFC has helped me to maintain a healthier lifestyle has been the cooking class where we learned how to make a frittata and about appropriate portion sizes. I have also been walking with my kids when we go to the park where my husband plays soccer.
The main thing I’ve learned is the smallest things I do are still important in my healthy lifestyle. It’s an everyday process that I plan to continue to work on day-by-day!
Family Vibes and Looking Ahead
I have been using the tools I’ve gained in the Young Families Connect Program (YFC) to educate my loved ones like my husband, Juan. Juan hasn’t been able to participate in many YFC classes with me due to his heavy work schedule, but I try to share with him all of the knowledge I have gained from my YFC involvement. He listens to what I’m saying once he sees that these tools work.
Generally speaking, support from my family during my YFC participation has been outstanding from my sister-in-law, Jackie, and my mother. I am happy to have learned about the program through Jackie and also happy to have received some encouragement to engage with community resources from my mom. My mom is really happy about my participation in the YFC program, my use of newly learned parenting skills, and my connection to peers in the program. Family members have commented on my communication style with Faith Compared to last year they say they have noticed I don’t do much yelling, that Faith is much calmer and throws fewer tantrums.
While I have been in the program, I have noted that I should not expect my family members to adopt the exact same parent-child dynamic that I have learned through YFC. I know that grandparents express their love for their grandkids by simply spoiling their grandkids. I have learned not to let that frustrate me especially since my parents aren’t living close by.
In the near future, I want to continue to be a positive parent to both of my children. I also want to continue to work on some of my other goals such as healthy eating and returning to school. I have one more year with YFC and I plan to use this time well. I appreciate that the YFC staff continuously connects participants to resources and finds ways to help participants like me meet our goals. I am looking forward to all the classes we have, specifically the Love Notes relationship series, and any classes we have when our children are involved. Even when I graduate from YFC, I plan to always be around to use the resource and be a resource person for others. I am proud to be connected to YFC!
Durham Men: PPFA/BET Breast Party Ever
Here we see national organizations, NCCU, and the larger Durham community coming together to promote women’s health and wellness, especially breast cancer screening, in a fun and different way. What is special about this picture is that everyone in the frame is a man; yet this is a women’s health event. It shows that the community as a whole cares about young women and their health.
Early Voting – Midterm Elections
This is outside the early voting location in the Union on NCCU’s campus, and we can see a cross-section of the Durham community in the picture – old/young, black/white. This picture and the location of a polling station in a high-traffic, central location on the NCCU campus represents a couple of things: 1) The importance of voting for young people, especially to ensure women’s rights and access to things like contraception; and 2) Support for young people exercising their right to vote, especially when the legislature has made it more difficult.